Raisins Would Never, Ever Make The Final Four!

Reese’s is running a clever 15-second commercial during NCAA Tournament games.  The ad, linked here, features progressively filled out brackets of the candy “Sweet Sixteen” until chocolate and peanut butter advance to the finals, and then says you can choose both.  Chocolate defeats nougat, coconut, and vanilla to reach the championship game, whereas peanut butter knocks off wafer, almonds, and raisins.

Unfortunately, the ad is ruined by that one, gross error — it shows raisins advancing to the Final Four. Raisins? Raisins?!?!

No self-respecting candy lover would ever choose a raisin-based concoction.  The fact that you can’t even think of a good raisin-oriented candy makes that point clear.  So far as I can tell, in the history of mankind there have been only two candies that featured raisins:  Chunky and Raisinets.  Chunky, which was a thick little brick filled with raisins, nuts, and other debris, was one of the worst candies in history.  Raisinets aren’t quite so bad — but if you had your choice between Goobers and Raisinets when you went to see a movie, wouldn’t you choose Goobers every time?

The fact that raisins made it to the Sweet 16 strongly suggests to me that the candy Sweet 16 was fixed.  First, raisins had to beat cream, then raisins had to beat mint.  There is no way raisins would win either of those matches unless the refs were in the pockets of the California raisin lobby.  The Final Four match-up between peanut butter and raisins must have been the most one-sided game in the history of the candy Final Four.