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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Too Much Alertness

Posted in America, Humor, tagged , , , , , , on May 17, 2013 | 1 Comment »

When I woke up this morning the screen of my phone was covered with “alerts.”

There were several weather-related alerts, including the “alert” that there is a dense fog advisory for New Albany this morning.  (Thanks, but I figured that out when I looked out the window this morning and saw the streetlights shrouded in mist.)  There were some ESPN app “alerts” about the results of NBA games.  (Thanks, but I have no interest in the NBA).  I think there was a news “alert,” too, mixed in with the rest, but it vanished when I swiped the screen to log in.

On my commute to work I drive under a large electronic sign that routinely has “alerts” about missing people that typically tells me their gender, their automobile, and their license plate numbers.  I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to instantly memorize the information or write it down as I go rolling past at 65 m.p.h., but I do glance around to see if the car is in the immediate vicinity.  Of course, the fact that these “alerts” are so routine may tell you something about whether they are really “alerts” at all.

I feel like I’m overly “alerted.”  I’m not sure I’m ready for even more “alerts” on this foggy morning.  Maybe I should just go back to bed.

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Driving With Your Foot Out The Window

Posted in Humor, Ohio, Photography, tagged , , on May 16, 2013 | 1 Comment »

IMG_3711Sometimes, when you’re driving, you see something that causes you to do a double-take.  And sometimes you see things so weird that only a triple-take can do them justice.

So it was today, as I drove home from Cleveland, and the Speed Speaker pointed out this young driver who had her leg and foot hanging out the window, by the side view mirror, as she barreled down I-71.  I couldn’t tell whether she was also talking on the phone.

My first thought was: how can you drive like that?  My second thought was:  how could you be so limber that you could have your left foot out the window and have your right foot on the gas?  What, is the woman a contortionist or a yoga instructor (which actually are the same thing).  My third thought was:  why would you want to drive with your left foot hanging out the window?  Maybe she was drying her freshly painted toenails?  And my fourth thought was:  how can you drive like that?

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The Penny Chronicles

Posted in Dogs, Humor, Kasey, Penny, tagged , , , , , , on May 15, 2013 | 1 Comment »

My name is Penny.

IMG_1230I have fur.  It’s just the way I am.

Today, the Leader took me outside.  That made me happy.  But then the Leader took out the brush.

I hate the brush.  The Leader uses it on my fur, and the fur comes off and flies through the air like snow.  It makes me sad to see that fur on the ground.  It was part of me, and now it’s gone.  And the brush is only used on me!  Kasey never gets the brush.  The old boring guy never gets the brush, either.

I know the Leader knows what she is doing.  I trust her.  I know she is using the brush because she thinks it is good for me.  I just don’t know why.

After the Leader was done brushing, we went for a walk.  It was a warm day, but suddenly I felt a nice breeze.

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When Jack Comes Back . . . .

Posted in Humor, TV, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

When we last saw Jack Bauer, he was walking into the sunset as a deeply moved Chloe O’Brian watched with a tender smile.  Now Fox has announced that Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer and 24 will be back, for a miniseries starting next year.

What has happened to Jack, and what kind of perils will he be confronting when he returns to the small screen?  Beats me, but here are some ideas:

*  Haunted by the fact that he murdered Chappelle in cold blood at the instruction of former President David Palmer, Jack has sworn off violence and become a French pastry chef.  But when Tony Almeida is ruthlessly gunned down while buying a baguette at Jack’s bakery, Jack must spring into action to avenge the death of his old comrade.

*  Haunted by disturbing nightmares of being chased by several forever-comatose ex-presidents and Charles Logan with the arms of the Hulk, Jack has been become a fitness instructor.  His clients love him for the results he achieves, even though he motivates them to exercise through random acts of torture.  But when his loyal client, the National Security Advisor who happens to be David Palmer’s half-sister, is seized by French terrorists seeking to restore the Holy Roman Empire, Jack must once again shoulder the Jack Pack to battle the forces of evil.

*  Haunted by the fact that he failed to detect the presence of countless moles at CTU, Jack has become a real-life mole exterminator.  But when his excavations to knock off the furry critters infesting a large California estate uncovers nuclear devices, fatal gas canisters, and biomedical weapons planted at the estate in advance of a presidential fundraising visit, Jack is sucked into a high-energy race against time to foil the plotting of former President turned terrorist Allison Taylor.

*  Haunted by the fact that he never answered the call of nature or ate any food for days at a time, Jack has spent the last two years in the bathroom eating fried chicken and whispering inaudibly.  But when a sobbing President Chloe O’Brian calls to tell Jack that her two children have been kidnapped by her ersatz nanny, in reality an agent of the North Korean government, Jack must set down the drumstick to help his old friend and fend off an invasion led by his estranged daughter, who has been brainwashed by the North Korean state.

Well, you get the idea.

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When Old Wisdom Is True Wisdom

Posted in Family, Humor, weather, tagged , , , , , , , on May 13, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

IMG_3705I’ve always refrained from planting flowers until after Mothers’ Day because my mother told me that is what you should do.  This year, that piece of folk wisdom turned out to be wise, indeed, because the overnight temperature on Mothers’ Day dipped below freezing and left a significant layer of frost on the ground and on the boardwalk.  I’m not sure it would have been enough to kill or damage delicate summer flowers, but because I held off on planting I don’t have to worry about it.

Sometimes old sayings are worth crediting.  After our frosty Mothers’ Day experience, I’m now totally resolved not to jump off a cliff just because all of my friends do so.

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The Return Of 24?

Posted in Humor, TV, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2013 | 1 Comment »

Could we soon see the return of Jack Bauer, Chloe, implausible coincidences, and the deaths of scores of nameless, faceless innocents?

Fox apparently is in talks with Kiefer Sutherland to bring back 24, the rock ‘em, sock ‘em, “real time” drama about superman Jack Bauer, super-helper Chloe O’Brian, soulful Tony Almeida, and the otherwise horribly inept counter-terrorism team at CTU.  They’ve fought foreign and domestic terrorists, dealt with gas attacks and nuclear blasts, and watched as co-workers were knocked off, exposed as moles, or shown to be craven blowhards.  They’ve experienced countless plot twists, broken every constitutional right afforded to American citizens, and applauded as Jack Bauer has used torture to wring confessions from appalling evildoers (including his brother).

Sutherland’s current series, Touch, was not renewed.  It was a show with an interesting premise, but this season it became a lot more like 24, as Sutherland’s character and his son and their allies fought an ultra-powerful corporation that was using human subjects to advance its evil corporate agenda.  So why not just bring back Jack Bauer in full, give him his PDA and his Jack Pack and his pistol, and let the death pool begin anew?

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Kasey’s Crave

Posted in Dogs, Humor, Kasey, Photography, tagged , , , , on May 7, 2013 | 1 Comment »

IMG_1220Sometimes you learn weird things about your dog.  This week we learned that Kasey can’t resist dandelion puffballs — those round weed tops that kids pluck and blow on, scattering the grey fragments to the wind.

Kasey acts like they are lollipops, or maybe some kind of rodent.  She snaps at them with gusto and would happily devour an entire field if we let her run amok.  Why is this so?  Beats me!  Maybe Kasey was frightened by a puffball as a young pup.  Or maybe puffballs have some kind of delicate flavor that renders them irresistible.  Or, most likely, Kasey’s eyesight so bad that a waving grey puffball looks like easy prey.

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An Unfortunate Juxtaposition

Posted in Humor, Ohio, Photography, Politics, tagged , , , , on May 6, 2013 | 1 Comment »

IMG_1214I was driving in downtown Columbus today when I saw this unfortunate juxtaposition of signage and got a good laugh out of it.  I doubt that any political party would want to be identified as “available,” but I suppose a “for sale” sign would have been worse.

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That Really Chews

Posted in Humor, Work, tagged , , , on May 5, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

IMG_1187One of my friends at work has a unique talent for spotting chewing gum boxes that make you laugh.  The box above, which has a prominent place on one of the bookshelves in my office, is a good example of his rare skill set.

I don’t chew gum, but you could send a pretty compelling message by simply, and silently, handing the box to someone who just wasted your time with a long, involved, and ultimately pointless tale.

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When You See Rat Poison In The Corner

Posted in Columbus, Humor, Work, tagged , , , , , , on May 3, 2013 | 1 Comment »

Recently I was in an office building when I saw a black box in a hallway corner.  When I took a closer look, I saw that it was a “Rodent Baiter” bearing the prominent legend:  “Poison — Do Not Touch.”

IMG_1184Rat poison!  Rat poison?  And it was displayed in an open and notorious fashion, there for anyone to see.

When you notice a box of rat poison in a hallway corner, your brain receives a strong, jangling signal that puts the sensory organs on high alert.  You tend to tread lightly and keep your eyes on the ground, scanning constantly for any furtive movement that might be a sign of rodent activity and listening carefully for any rustling, scrabbling sounds.  And it’s a useful reminder, too, that lots of people live and work in older buildings that might have rats and mice scampering and gamboling in the basements.

Some years ago one of the surface parking lots in downtown Columbus discovered a major rat infestation underground.  The cellar of the building that had been there was simply filled with rubble and paved over, and the incompletely filled-in area became a rat’s nest.  When the area was exposed as part of some construction project, rats came boiling out of the ground.  Poisons were brought to bear, and for a week or so thereafter you could expect to see a staggering, dying rat, experiencing the final effects of the poison before going toes up.

It was a disconcerting sight — sort of like seeing an openly displayed box of “Rodent Baiter” rat poison in a hallway corner.

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The Penny Chronicles

Posted in Dogs, Humor, Kasey, Penny, tagged , , , , , , on May 2, 2013 | 1 Comment »

My name is Penny.

During the day, when the Leader is gone, I look out the window so I can run to the door when the Leader gets back.  Sometimes, though, looking out the window makes me mad.

It happens when this cat comes into our yard.  Oh, I hate that cat!  It comes prancing into our yard like it owns the place.  Kasey and I bark and bark, but the cat keeps coming.  It will walk right up, look at me, and stretch out and show its claws.  I bark even louder when the cat does that, but I can’t get outside to chase it.

I bet that cat smells bad.  I bet it smells really bad.  Ha, ha!  Hey, cat, you stink!

Boy, I really hate that cat.

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When Animals Attack — Or Not

Posted in Dogs, Humor, Penny, TV, tagged , , , , , on April 30, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

When Animals Attack! featured footage of animals attacking humans.  Of course, animals can “attack” in different ways.

IMG_0907I doubt if Penny would intentionally attack anyone in the conventional sense.  That would be unseemly and require too much exertion.

Nevertheless, Penny still is a key component of our household defense system.  If an intruder invaded our hearth and home, he could easily be disabled by tripping over Penny’s snoring body stretched out on the kitchen floor.  As is the case with any natural predator, her brown coat blends seamlessly with the color of our wood flooring, making her an even greater hazard for the unwary housebreaker.

Or, the miscreant could pull a muscle or throw out his back trying to move Penny’s dead weight from her prone position.

Or, if the trespasser had any scrap of food on his person, Penny might inadvertently knock him down in her single-minded quest to fill her belly.

Some people have dogs that growl and bite.  We have a dog that sleeps.

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Minding Mel Kiper For Mother’s Day

Posted in Humor, sports, tagged , , , , , on April 27, 2013 | Leave a Comment »

The NFL draft is underway.  It’s become a three-day extravaganza, which means we get more exposure to Mel Kiper, Jr. and his curious hairstyle than human beings should be expected to endure.

IMG_3664Little did I know that Mel not only is a know-it-all about the draft, he’s also happy to give his “picks” on other topics.  When I went on the ESPN website today, I was amazed to see an ad for a “gift finder” that featured Mel Kiper’s picks for Mother’s Day gifts.  Now you can delight your dear old mother or your lovely wife with a present that has the Mel Kiper seal of approval!  What’s next?  Mel’s grinning mug hawking websites that help you to find the perfect romantic getaway or to decide which college to attend?

I know it’s a joke, but still . . . anyone who relies on Mel Kiper for Mother’s Day ideas needs to step away from the draft board and re-engage with real life.

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“Reality Show” Meets Reality

Posted in Humor, TV, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2013 | 2 Comments »

It’s embarrassing to admit it, but Kish and I like Storage Wars.  It’s a “reality show” where the continuing characters bid on abandoned storage lockers in southern California, then find out what’s inside and learn whether they made money or lost their shirts.  We love to scoff at the implausible values that get assigned to some of the junk in the lockers — where a beat up chair might be rung up at $50.  (I can get $50 for that chair all day long!)

One long-time participant, a boastful “mogul” named Dave Hester, isn’t on the new episodes, so I decided to do some internet research to see what happened to him.  It turns out that ol’ Dave and Storage Wars had a parting of the ways, and they are now mired in a lawsuit. Hester alleges that the show’s producers “salted” some of the lockers with interesting items that are more valuable than the humdrum crap that most people store.  The initial judicial ruling in the case favored Storage Wars and tossed out one of Hester’s claims.

Now, there’s some reality for you!

It’s pretty devastating to consider, however, that Storage Wars might have jazzed up the storage locker bidding world to make for some better TV.  Could it be?  Could it be that Darrell doesn’t constantly spout hilarious malapropisms?  Could it be that Brandi and Jarrod aren’t constantly second-guessing each other, even though we know that deep down they love each other dearly?  Could it be that Barry doesn’t really have a collection of silly cars and isn’t a complete idiot when it comes to bidding for lockers?

Yeah, right!  Next thing you know someone will try to convince us that professional athletes don’t play purely for the love of the game!

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The Penny Chronicles

Posted in Humor, tagged , , , , , on April 23, 2013 | 1 Comment »

My name is Penny.

IMG_3645I am usually hungry.  When I am hungry, I look for food.  When I see something that looks like food, I take it.

Yesterday my hunting turned up a promising item.  It was brown, which is a good color for food.  My food in the morning and night is brown.  And it was in one of those shiny wrappers.  Usually those shiny wrappers are put on good food.  I’ve seen the old boring guy put this kind of thing in his mouth, too.  So when I saw it on the counter, so I grabbed it.

When I bit it though, it wasn’t good food.  It was dry and dusty and crumbled against my teeth.  It tasted bitter, too.  Yuck!  So even though I was hungry, I didn’t eat it.  That should tell you something about how bad it tasted.  That’s the last time I ever take the old boring guy’s recommendation!

When the old boring guy got home and saw the brown thing, he was mad.  I don’t know why.  I left it for him, didn’t I?

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