In a classic episode of Cheers, Norm — “Norm!” — talked about eating at the Hungry Heifer, a blue-collar dining hall where the portions were immense because all of the food was imitation. Woody, intrigued, decided to join Norm for a meal. When he returned to the bar he explained that the imitation food had to be called by a slightly different name, then raved about the “loobster” and “beff.”
Lately I feel like I’ve been channeling my inner Norm.
When my doctor told me to try to eat more fish and less red meat I groaned. I don’t mind the taste of fish, but it’s a pain to prepare and tends to stink up the house. One day at the neighborhood Kroger, however, I noticed packages of chilled imitation crab and imitation lobster. They were cheap, so I decided to give them a try. Surprisingly, they were tasty, and now they’ve been worked into my evening meal rotation on days when we don’t feel like making a big sit-down meal. I feel good about listening to my doc when I buy them, because they have a “heart healthy” logo, too.
What’s in the imitation crab and lobster? Mostly Alaska pollock, apparently. The ingredient list also indicates that the product includes water, wheat starch, sodium, extracts of crab, oyster, scallop, lobster, cutlassfish, anchovy, and bonito, fish oil, rice wine, egg whites, and corn starch, as well as some more exotic sounding experiments from the chemistry lab, like disodium inosinate, guanylate, titanium dioxide, carmine, and canthaxanthin. For all of that, the imitation lobster and crab taste pretty much like lobster and crab. And, on the laundry list you won’t find anything that looks or sounds like red meat. So, on any random night you might find me munching on some imitation crab leg, feeling good about my dietary habits and food spend, and inevitably thinking: “Norm!“
I may be the only person in America who was happy when Steve Carell left The Office. I thought the Michael Scott character had become so painfully awkward and outlandish that the series was difficult to watch, and the Michael Scott stories were interfering with the show’s real strength — which is the ensemble of office workers. Every moment of Michael Scott angst took time away from a Jim Halpert practical joke at the expense of Dwight Schrute, or droll Stanley Hudson comment, or Creed Bratton weirdness. When Michael Scott finally left it cleared the way for the other characters to shine, and they did.
Kish and I have watched House, faithfully, from the beginning of the first season until tonight’s end. I don’t know how many TV shows I can say that about. Cheers was one; I’m not sure there have been any others. Not many long-running shows can hold my interest from beginning to end. Often they become rote and predictable, or they take a turn for the worse, or I just lose interest.
